Posting of Family Member Sick on Social Media
This article originally appeared on 05.07.19
Grieving in the technology age is uncharted territory.
I'll have you back to Saturday, June 9, 2012. At viii:twenty a.thousand., my 36-twelvemonth-old husband was pronounced dead at a hospital merely outside Washington, D.C.
By 9:20 a.m., my cellphone would non stop ringing or text-alerting me long enough for me to brand the necessary calls that I needed to brand: people like immediate family, primary-care doctors to discuss expiry certificates and autopsies, funeral homes to discuss picking him up, and then on. Existent things, of import things, fourth dimension-sensitive, urgent things.
At 9:47 a.k., while speaking to a police officer (because yes, when your spouse dies, you must exist questioned by the police immediately), i call did make it through. I didn't recognize the number. Just in those moments, I knew I should interruption my normal rule and respond all calls. "He'south dead??? Oh my God. Who'southward with you? Are you OK? Why am I reading this on Facebook? Taya, what the heck is going on?"
Facebook? I was confused. I hadn't been on Facebook since the day before, and then I certainly hadn't taken the time in the last xc minutes to peek at the site.
"I'll call you back", I screamed and hung upward. I called my best friend and asked her to search for anything someone might accept written and to contact them immediately and demand they delete it. I still hadn't spoken to his best friend, or his godsister, or our godchild's parents, or a million other people! Why would someone post information technology to Facebook And then FAST?
While I tin in no mode speak for the entire planet, I certainly feel qualified to propose some suggestions — or, dare I say, rules — for social media grieving.
How many RIPs have yous seen floating through your social media stream over the last month? Probably a few. Death is a fate that we volition each meet at some indicate. The Data Age has changed the ways in which nosotros live and communicate daily, still there are still large voids in universally accepted norms.
This next argument is something that is incommunicable to empathize unless you've been through information technology:
There is a hierarchy of grief.
Yes, a hierarchy. Information technology'south something people either don't empathize or understand but don't want to think or talk about — nonetheless nosotros must.
At that place is a hierarchy of grief.
Hierarchy is defined equally:
- a system or arrangement in which people or groups are ranked i to a higher place the other according to condition or authority, and
- an organization or classification of things co-ordinate to relative importance or inclusiveness.
What does this mean every bit it relates to grief? Allow me explain. When someone dies — whether all of a sudden or after a prolonged illness, via natural causes or an unnatural fate, a young person in their prime or an elderly person with more than memories behind them than ahead — there is one universal truth : The ripples of people who are afflicted is vast and, at times, largely unknown to all other parties.
A death is ever a gut dial with varying degrees of force and a reminder of our own mortality. Most people are moved to express their love for the deceased past showing their support to the family and friends left behind.
In the days before social media, these expressions came in the form of phone calls, voicemail messages, and floral deliveries.
If you were lucky plenty to be in close proximity to the family of the newly deceased, there were visits that came wrapped with hugs and tears, and deliveries of nutrient and beverages to feed all the weary souls.
Insert social media. All of those courtesies still occur, but there is a new layer of grief expression — the online tribute in the form of Facebook posts, Instagram photo collages, and brusque tweets.
What'southward the problem with that? Shouldn't people be immune to limited their love, care, business organization, back up, and prayers for the soul of the recently deceased and for their family?
Yes.
And no.
Why? Because there are no established "rules," and people have adopted their own. This isn't breaking news, and you're not trying to scoop TMZ. Listen, I know y'all're hurt. Guess what? Me too. I know yous're shocked. Judge what? Me too. Your social media is an extension of who you are. I get information technology. Y'all "need" to express your pain, admit your relationship with the deceased, and pray for the family.
Yes.
Still...
Please give u.s.a. a minute.
We are shocked.
We are heartbroken.
Give the immediate family or circle a petty fourth dimension to handle the immediate and time-sensitive "business concern" related to death. In the minutes and early hours after someone passes away, social media is almost probable the last matter on their minds. And fifty-fifty if information technology does cantankerous their mind, my before statement comes into play here.
In that location is a hierarchy of grief.
Delight pause and consider your function and relationship to the newly deceased. Remember, hierarchy refers to your status and your relative importance to the deceased. I circumspection you to wait and then wait a piffling longer before posting anything. This may seem piffling, silly, and non worth talking about, but I hope you it isn't.
If the person is married, let the spouse post start.
If the person is "young" and single, let the partner, parents, or siblings post first.
If the person is "old" and unmarried, let the children post first.
If you can't identify the family unit/inner circumvolve of the person, yous probably shouldn't be posting at all.
Do you get where I'one thousand going with this?
In theory, we should never compare grief levels, cast the grief-stricken survivors into roles, or use words like status and importance. But maybe we need to at this moment (and for the next few weeks and months).
The "RIP" posts started hitting my timeline nigh an hour after my husband'south death, and I certainly didn't start them. This created a sense of confusion, fear, anxiety, panic, dread, and shock for the people who knew me, also. What'south wrong? Who are we praying for? Did something happen? Did someone pass? Why are in that location RIPs on your wall and I tin can't achieve you? Telephone call me delight! What's going on?
That's a small sample of messages on my voicemail and text inbox. I had to take a infinitesimal in the midst of information technology all to ask a friend to post a status to my Facebook folio on my behalf.
Your honey and expressions of back up are appreciated and needed, but they can also be ill-timed and create unintended additional stress.
The person is no less dead and your sympathy no less heartfelt if your post, photo, or tweet is delayed by a few hours. Honestly, the first couple of hours are shocking, and many things are a blur. Most bereaved people will exist able to truly capeesh your love, concern, prayers, and gestures after the commencement 24 hours.
I've learned this from the inside — twice inside the last four years. And I assure you that if we each adopted a little patience and restraint in this area, nosotros would help those who are in the darkest hours of their lives by not adding an unnecessary layer of stress.
A few extra hours could brand all the difference.
quisenberrywhimew.blogspot.com
Source: https://www.good.is/articles/social-media-rip
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